guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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