tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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