Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
