Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
