And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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