The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
