I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
