you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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