god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
