we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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