I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
