2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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