I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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