You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
When are your genitals available?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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