Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
