The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
