The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
