Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
