i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
