You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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