My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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