Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
