Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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