I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
