Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
