Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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