I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
