I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Randomize
