The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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