I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
