then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
