I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
