P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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