While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
