upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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