I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I won the penis lottery.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
