I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
