The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's shark week go big or go home
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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