I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
There's even glitter on my cock...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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