I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That was an excessively violent trivia night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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