I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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