I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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