Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
