Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Your penis caused this!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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