mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just made my gag reflex go away.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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