I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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