There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
