I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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