Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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