I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
