I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
