I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
