Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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