it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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