i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
