my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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